Next month I was booked to attend a loss Mother’s retreat. It was in a beautiful mansion on the beach in NC. I was going with another loss mom who I have grown close to through this horrible journey. As the date approached I found myself finding reasons I couldn’t go. I didn’t book my flight but I would look at them. I would come to the point of just needing to hit submit but I couldn’t. I know this would be good for me. It would give me time to just focus on my Jonny and all the feelings I have been suppressing because life doesn’t stop when your child dies; even though you feel it should.
I realized I’m not ready. I was never good at leaving my children even prior to this. But now; my mind wanders. My son suffered an aneurysm out of nowhere on a Thur evening after a normal day. I had no warning. What if that happens again and I’m a flight away? I only had hours to hold him and tell him how loved he was until he would leave us. The thought makes me want to throw up. These are the anxieties of bereaved parents. Things that “ normal” parents can’t even fathom. This is real for us.
Through this journey I have found a sense of needing control. It takes over my life some days. My therapist tells me it’s because I didn’t have control over Jonny’s passing. So the thought of someone else caring for my children for 3 days is unfathomable right now.
I’ve decided not to go. This is supposed to be healing for me and I feel at this time it will only cause panic. I don’t know if this will ever go away or become less of an anxiety. I hope to learn to let go of some of the control and know it will be ok…..but will it?
Somedays my mind drives me crazy. I do a good job at managing it day to day but don’t think when you see me; I’m not battling demons within. Trust me when I say; bereaved parents are always on the brink of a breakdown.
I just wish I could have saved him.
Life after losing a toddler 