When you read about grieving and the side effects, they mention many. One being a pit in your stomach or physical pain. What they don’t tell you is some days it literally feels as it may kill you. I often say I’m going to die of a broken heart because that’s honestly how it feels. I remember the days I would get the butterflies before testifying in court for work or before giving a speech. Take that times one trillion and add a twist. It’s like someone is actually ripping my child from my body over and over. I wish there was a timeline for this. I wish the what ifs and if only didn’t haunt me to the core. I blame myself and I don’t know why. Perhaps because I am his mother and I’m supposed to keep him safe. I hate living everyday and honestly feel like being dead would be way easier; actually I know it would be. I am not suicidal by any means; but I do wish someone could just end this life. I love my family but as I see it; I’m no good for them like this. Im a ball of anxiety and sadness that I don’t ever see going away. I am broken. I told you I would be real and raw on this blog. Today sucks. I feel to my knees today and had full body shakes that I couldn’t control. What kind of life is that? It has been 3 months and I feel worse some days then I did that day. I want to isolate and push everyone away but I know that’s not the answer. Everyone says this is my grief and only I can feel it. Thank god for that because I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I want to smile again, I want to just wake up without this pit and random bouts of oh shit I feel like I’m gonna pass out.
Today is also another rainy day. My son will be home in 20 minutes so this is me venting before I have to put on the best face I can for my son. My reason for living .