Recently I’ve been asked about my blog and why I’ve stopped writing as much. My response was of course I’m busy with a baby and well….“ I didn’t want people to get sick of reading about my sad life”. As I said that out loud; I realized I was doing the exact thing that germinated my blog. Giving my grief an expectation. Like there is a time limit to this. As if I need to get over it and put it in a closet for only me to take out when I’m alone and done playing the part.
What is wrong with our society; I lost my fucking son. My three year old innocent child. How can I put an expectation on myself to be better? Healed? Is that even a thing? Text book grief is a joke. There are no stages that come and go and you are healed. I wish I could stand up and talk about my loss and let you watch the complete destruction it puts on my body; mentally and physically. It’s debilitating. The sad part is; the only one that see this is me and my therapist. I’m too scared to let it out in front of others….even my own family. How sad is that? My child died and I feel like I need to prove something and be ok.
Scared that the day will come that I’m expected to be over it. Scared that I become used to him not being here. Scared that people will forget about him. Scared that I’ll continue to live in this lull where I feel no joy or feel guilty for wanting it. There is so much I’m scared of. I’m mostly scared to enter back into reality where I accept he is really gone. I don’t know when that happens; perhaps when I let it? But how can I? These are the things that filter through me in the middle of the night. My world is so noisy even in the silence.
Grief is not simple. It is a life sentence. It is like being thrown into a tidal wave while trying to continue in society with so many expectations. Expectations that some days are not realistic. I remember saying the one thing I couldn’t survive is losing one of my children. The me that said that naively believed it would never happen. Here I am….trying to do the very thing I said I could never survive. Imagine that….
One thought on “False Expectations of Grief”
This is an incredibly honest and raw post about grief. Thank you for sharing your experience and shedding light on the unrealistic expectations society places on those who have suffered such a devastating loss. I appreciate your perspective on there being no textbook stages of grief and that it is a life sentence. I’m curious, have you found any strategies or coping mechanisms that have helped you navigate through your grief?