Behind losing my son

Lately I have been digging deep into my pain and what lies behind the death of my son. The obvious being that he was a baby just 3.9 years old. He was healthy, full of life, and it was totally unexpected. But what people don’t realize is before losing him to death; there was so much more. Things that people don’t know or maybe they do but don’t realize it haunts me everyday.

I have been asked if going back to work would be a distraction….to that I say “ a distraction from losing my child? that doesn’t exist”. I don’t choose not to work because I don’t want to….I don’t work because I physically and mentally can’t. Behind losing my son is severe PTSD. The visions I have are worse then anyones worst nightmare. I pray everyday for just a small amount of time where I can not think about it…

On July 22nd at around 730pm; I turned from throwing Jonny’s snow cone away and looked back to my lifeless child being ran out of the water by my husband; his daddy. I can still see his face clear; his eyes closed. I hear my scream “ what’s wrong with him”. I sat there as my husband and friend performed cpr but were so confused on why he wasn’t waking up. At that moment the fear in my husbands eyes said it all but he did not say anything. They lost him a couple times in the ambulance and at the hospital. I sat there watching what felt like 100 doctors work on my baby who was still in his bathing suit. As I type this the panic inside my body is right back where it was. It was horrific.

For the next 26 hours I laid with my son on life support….life support…meaning if one of those machines was off; he would be gone. My child went from running through puddles and eating a snow cone; to being on life support and unable to wake up. How do you deal with that? I watched my five year old try to open his brothers eyes; as I tried to explain he couldn’t and he had to say goodbye to his baby brother who he never parted from.

My sons heart stopped at 12:27am and for the next 5 hours I laid with him. I laid with my baby who was no longer breathing. I had to leave him there and go home to his whole world that he could no longer be a part of.

I could write for pages about these last moments with my son ….but I won’t.

I find myself needing to share this….not because I need pity; but because behind grieving there is so much more that people don’t realize. I am haunted everyday and I am devastated that I lived through this. I want to be ok; I want to be a normal person again; I want to work; I want to go shopping with friends; I want to be around people….but being alone and hiding this pain within my eyes is where I feel the safest right now. I’m sorry if I don’t pick up the phone…..I just have nothing to say.

I wish things were different; I wish I didn’t lose my son.