Family time

Last March we took a trip to Florida; a last minute; I’m tired of this Covid bullshit trip. I booked it one morning and said “boys we are getting out of here”. They were so excited to go back on a plane and pack their suitcase. A week later there was a problem with the dates so we had to push it up a week. In doing that we realized we would be crossing dates with our good friends and neighbors. The boys would have their best friends and we would have ours. We flew in and the weather wasn’t great but we were together. By the end of the trip we had extended it twice and almost maxed out a credit card. The memories I have from that trip will forever stay with me. We will talk about it until we are old. We will laugh about how we didn’t realize it was spring break and our kids saw more college bums then planned. They stayed up late and ate at fantasy restaurants. The morning of our flight I’ll never forget. Bobby stayed in bed with Daddy and Jonny and I went down to get breakfast. He walked with me holding my hand and talking about whatever he could think of. We sat together and had the best morning. Just me and my boy. I never had a lot of one on one time; but god did I enjoy it. I focused on how big he was getting and how well he spoke. He was so handsome and becoming such a little man. I am so thankful for that little morning we had. I think back now and can’t help but to feel angry. How did I not know there was a monster in his head that would take him 4 months later? I feel so helpless and so robbed. He didn’t deserve that to be his last trip. He wanted to go to Disney so bad. I promised him we would go….

We flew home and talked about that week with those friends; laughing and complaining about about how broke we were. Those same friends were with us the day of Jonny’s accident. Their kids swimming with mine; not knowing what was to come. I feel so bad that they witnessed that and it was my Jonny; their friend; who they just spent a week with in Florida months prior. I can’t help but to think how scared they are. Kids don’t die….not healthy ones like Jonny; not their friends.

I was up most of the night last night trying to replay days with Jonny. Listening to his voice; I don’t want to forget it. I think of all the things we talked about doing. I used to tell him he was going to lose all his little teeth and get big boy teeth. He never got to lose one…how sad is that. I don’t have one of his teeth saved like my mother did. I am completely devastated and will never understand. How does this happen? Doctors can’t tell me; I have no answers. If he only hit his head hard enough to need a scan. I was a good mom; I tried not to have him hit his head? That’s the right thing right?

All day I think about my Jonny and what has happened to my family. My mom; she was second to me. She helped raise my kids. While I was working they were with Mimi. Jonny would only sleep at Mimi’s house and requested to because she gives the best royal treatment. My mom wants to be there for me but she hurts so deeply. She is mourning the loss of her grandsons and her daughter. My dad; he’s a mess and I fear he’s next. He cries and says he lost his best friend. Jonny and papa had a bond. Papa would take him in the woods for hours; doing whatever Jonny wanted. Mimi and papa spent the day before with Jonny and I’m so thankful they had that whole day with just him. Their lives have changed almost as much as Bobby and I’s. They are supposed to have Jonny while I worked. Every second of everyday is a reminder of what is and what has happened. We are all lost.

I feel like I’m in a hole trying to climb out but the sides keep caving in.

Published by Jonny’s Mama

Bereaved mother trying to navigate life after losing my son unexpectedly at 3.5 years old.

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