Author Archives: jonnysmom

Here we are….what is supposed to be the weekend we’ve all been waiting for. The break of shitty weather; the sun shining; the feeling of summer. I would wake up to Jonny aggressively opening the shades to tell me what the day looked like. “ mama it’s sunny out” he would say with this joyContinue reading “Summer blues”

Today I finally pulled into Nelson Park. A place I often took the boys and the place I would meet my parents after a long day of work. As I pulled in; the vision of them spotting my car and running screaming “mama”like they hadn’t seen me in years yet it had only been hoursContinue reading “Like a tornado”

I spoke to my therapist this week about the different degrees of guilt I feel being a mother to a child here on earth and one in heaven. Just writing that bring so many tears. It NEVER gets easier to say. I often say that I write my feelings because saying them out loud isContinue reading “Guilt in grief…”

“Is it better to have loved and lost or not loved at all?” This is the question I’ve been asking myself lately. I recently told my husband that if I knew this was my path; I wouldn’t of had children at all. He then said “ but then we wouldn’t have Bobby or of knownContinue reading “Inability to feel love within grief”

Lately I have been digging deep into my pain and what lies behind the death of my son. The obvious being that he was a baby just 3.9 years old. He was healthy, full of life, and it was totally unexpected. But what people don’t realize is before losing him to death; there was soContinue reading “Behind losing my son”

It’s been a while since I last posted; honestly I haven’t been able to muster up the energy to listen to my thoughts and move my fingers. I’m exhausted. Like unbelievably exhausted. This life of grieving is terrible; it sucks any life out of you that you have left after your child is taken fromContinue reading “The struggle is raw”

The last couple months have been the loneliest yet. I’ve never had so much love but felt so empty. People keep saying I still have a husband and son that need me. I know I love them but somehow I still feel nothing. Perhaps it’s my heart protecting itself. All I care about is myContinue reading “Will I ever be ok?”

When I try to explain the feeling inside my soul there never seems to be the right words. Maybe that’s because there are not actually words that cruel or painful. I find myself feeling so isolated and alone because no matter how I try to put it into words; it never feels quit right. IContinue reading “Unmeasurable pain”

Three days now I’ve been struggling to get out of bed. In the beginning I had an overwhelming amount of anxiety that kept me pacing….I couldn’t stay still in my thoughts and people would say “ I don’t know how you’re out of bed”. Here I am…almost 6 months into my after and I’m hurtingContinue reading “Six month blues”

The hardest part of this grief is that it NEVER stops. You can run….you can change scenery….but right there in the forefront of your being is that child you are yearning for. I often say; I just want one moment of peace. One moment where I feel hole again. I often dream of the lifeContinue reading “Trying to escape”