Author Archives: jonnysmom

I’ve been struggling…..my grief seems to be hitting me over and over but it’s coming in forms of flash backs. Yesterday while driving; I began panicking thinking about my child being alone under “there”. I thought about the clothes I put on him and wondered why I didn’t just put him in his favorite pajamas.Continue reading “Isolation”

I am behind with my blog lately and have many to catch up on but wanted to start with something I’ve been struggling with…. Since the loss of my Jonny; my grief has changed me in so many ways. I often think of my life before and and feel it’s not real; or maybe thisContinue reading “Elephant in the room”

I was recently talking with my therapist about how I was exhausted and the scariest part of it was that it will never go away. For the remainder of my life; I will always have a constant “sting”. There will never be a time where I am completely happy and without pain. When ten yearsContinue reading “Living with a constant sting”

Here we are….what is supposed to be the weekend we’ve all been waiting for. The break of shitty weather; the sun shining; the feeling of summer. I would wake up to Jonny aggressively opening the shades to tell me what the day looked like. “ mama it’s sunny out” he would say with this joyContinue reading “Summer blues”

Today I finally pulled into Nelson Park. A place I often took the boys and the place I would meet my parents after a long day of work. As I pulled in; the vision of them spotting my car and running screaming “mama”like they hadn’t seen me in years yet it had only been hoursContinue reading “Like a tornado”

I spoke to my therapist this week about the different degrees of guilt I feel being a mother to a child here on earth and one in heaven. Just writing that bring so many tears. It NEVER gets easier to say. I often say that I write my feelings because saying them out loud isContinue reading “Guilt in grief…”

“Is it better to have loved and lost or not loved at all?” This is the question I’ve been asking myself lately. I recently told my husband that if I knew this was my path; I wouldn’t of had children at all. He then said “ but then we wouldn’t have Bobby or of knownContinue reading “Inability to feel love within grief”

Lately I have been digging deep into my pain and what lies behind the death of my son. The obvious being that he was a baby just 3.9 years old. He was healthy, full of life, and it was totally unexpected. But what people don’t realize is before losing him to death; there was soContinue reading “Behind losing my son”

It’s been a while since I last posted; honestly I haven’t been able to muster up the energy to listen to my thoughts and move my fingers. I’m exhausted. Like unbelievably exhausted. This life of grieving is terrible; it sucks any life out of you that you have left after your child is taken fromContinue reading “The struggle is raw”

The last couple months have been the loneliest yet. I’ve never had so much love but felt so empty. People keep saying I still have a husband and son that need me. I know I love them but somehow I still feel nothing. Perhaps it’s my heart protecting itself. All I care about is myContinue reading “Will I ever be ok?”