The sadness never ends

Jonny came to me in my dreams last night….In my dream I know he is gone; I am sad but he is not. Last night I picked him up as I often did and he looked at me; grabbed my cheeks and said “ hi mama”. I cried but he did not. Is this him telling me he’s ok? How can he be ok; he’s not with us. I know people says “ they are always with you”. But is that just a thing people say to make you feel better? I know that sounds so negative but I am sad. I am sad ALL the time. Bobby talks about his brother all the time. Today he said “ Jonny tells me to say bad words”. As much as I believe that; I also had to play “ mom” and say that’s not nice and we can’t do that. Bobby asked me how old Jonny is and I said 3.5. He quickly corrected me and said no mom he’s four because I’m five. He’s right; he is four. I am struggling….struggling with life; struggling to see the future because I don’t want a future without Jonny. We went to clean up the grave today and Bobby got out of the car and said “ hi Jonny” he proceeded to tell me to make sure I “ didn’t step on Jonny”. As we were leaving he looked back and said “ bye Jonny I love you”. I lost it ; I couldn’t stay strong for another second. My poor five year old. I am devastated.

I will not be trick or treating this year and as bad as I feel because these are still memories with Bobby ; I just can’t this year. I can’t get just one of them dressed in their costume. God did I take that for granted.

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