The sadness never ends

Jonny came to me in my dreams last night….In my dream I know he is gone; I am sad but he is not. Last night I picked him up as I often did and he looked at me; grabbed my cheeks and said “ hi mama”. I cried but he did not. Is this him telling me he’s ok? How can he be ok; he’s not with us.

I know people say “ they are always with you”. But is this just a thing people say to make you feel better? I know that sounds negative but I am so sad. I am sad ALL the time. Bobby talks about his brother and its so hard. Today he said “ Jonny tells me to say bad words”. As much as I believe that; I also had to play “ mom” and say that’s not nice and we can’t do that. He asked me how old Jonny was and I said 3.5. He quickly corrected me and said no mama he’s four because I’m five. He’s right; he is four.

I am struggling….struggling with life; struggling to see the future because I don’t want a future without Jonny.

We cleaned up the grave today and Bobby got out of the car and said “ hi Jonny” he proceeded to tell me to make sure I didn’t “step on Jonny”. As we were leaving he looked back and said “ bye Jonny I love you”. In that moment I lost it; I couldn’t stay strong for another second. My poor five year old. I am devastated for him and what he must feel his heart.

Halloween is near; another first. I will not be trick or treating this year and as bad as I feel because these are still memories with Bobby ; I just can’t this year. I can’t get just one of them dressed in their costume. God did I take that for granted.

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