When I try to explain the feeling inside my soul there never seems to be the right words. Maybe that’s because there are not actually words that cruel or painful. I find myself feeling so isolated and alone because no matter how I try to put it into words; it never feels quit right. I often say “ well you’re a mom; you know the love for a child”. This often brings them tears immediately because that’s how strong of a love it is. So when you try to even fathom losing that; it’s unmeasurable pain. I often wonder and ask myself; if I knew I was going to lose one; would I have had them at all? As I write that 50 tears roll down my eyes because it’s so so sad. I am a mom through and through and I am nothing without them. They taught me so much about life and mostly love. You don’t know unconditional love until you put eyes on your own. I remember thinking; my life makes sense now….all the bad and ugly to get to this moment.
I also remember crying being pregnant with Jonny; thinking how will I love another as much as I love Bobby. My mom said; “your heart grows and it just happens naturally”. Boy was she right. Jonny was the missing puzzle to our family . He brought everything we were missing….and now he’s missing. Everything about my life seems so wrong now; when it used to feel so right. I walk around in a daze; sometimes I don’t even know how I got from point A to point B. It’s like my life is now on autopilot and I enjoy none of it. I love my son so much but right now; I am doing what I can and it’s going to have to be enough. Luckily he is the sweetest little boy and has a huge heart that will keep my beating; even on days I wished it wouldn’t.
Even though my child is in heaven; I still worry and wonder what hes doing . Is he cold? Is he sad? Does he need me? It’s all so hard to comprehend and sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy. The other day in the shower I yelled his name out just because I missed doing it and no one was home to hear me. He used to come in and say “ what mama”. I was just checking on him. He didn’t come and the pain sets in again. This happens many times a day.
Its that unmeasurable pain….