The struggle is raw

It’s been a while since I last posted; honestly I haven’t been able to muster up the energy to listen to my thoughts and move my fingers. I’m exhausted. Like unbelievably exhausted. This life of grieving is terrible; it sucks any life out of you that you have left after your child is taken from your arms. I’ve been commenting that I feel extremely lonely lately. I haven’t wanted to answer calls because I feel there is nothing more to say. How am I? I’m terrible and that is never going away. Unless someone can bring my son back to me; how on gods earth can I be anything but terrible. I feel disconnected from friends; I feel I have nothing in common with anyone anymore. I am a sad empty soul; a shell of a girl that used to be so confident. Part of my confidence was that I had a good life; we had it all figured out. Now I have nothing figured out. I am a complete stranger in this world. I actually never knew there was a world such as this. The world where you open your eyes and dread another day of “this” life. I remember I used to stress about time going by so fast because I wanted my boys to be little forever. Now I want to speed it up so I can be with and hold one of my boys again.

My mom recently said she was turning 60 and would be with Jonny sooner rather then later. My poor mom; wishing her life away too. I remember that day; on the beach frantically trying to work my phone to call my mom. She was the first person I thought of when Jonny was hurt. When she walked in the emergency room I regressed into a little girl. I looked at her and said “ mommy why is this happening”. The way up to Children’s in the cruiser; she held me so tight as I looked her in the eyes for comfort and to know everything was going to be ok. I feel like I let her down. She always made sure she took care of my boys on her watch; I didn’t do the same on mine. Even though it was out of my control; I still feel guilt.

Guilt is just one of the many feelings that bombards your heart and soul through grief. I feel every stage everyday over and over. There is no getting through one and moving onto the next. That’s a myth that people who write text books think. Grief is raw and often times unbearable. My son Bobby is the only thing keeping me alive. I look at him and see so much of Jonny but yet I don’t. He will get older and Jonny will not. I will always wonder what he would look like.

I often ask other bereaved moms that seem to be happy again what their secret is. They all say the same….mind set. You need to choose to either live or let the grief kill you. Although this makes sense; right now I can’t; I am too deep in my grief to choose a mindset. Maybe some day though…

Today I am breathing and moving through the motions…that has to be enough for now.

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