The hardest part of this grief is that it NEVER stops. You can run….you can change scenery….but right there in the forefront of your being is that child you are yearning for. I often say; I just want one moment of peace. One moment where I feel hole again. I often dream of the life I had prior to July 22nd. I think about how exhausting it was but how much more exhausting this life is. I am never happy. Can you imagine never feeling happy? Many people wished that we were enjoying our time on vacation and hoped we found bouts of joy. I reply with….pick one of your children and know that you will never see them again and tell me you can find joy in anything. That may sound harsh but thats my reality. Go to dinner and fumble on your words as you go to say two kids and then realize it’s only one. Watch your child who has never been on vacation without his sidekick play in the pool and talk to himself wondering how much his heart hurts. Hearing him beg to go home because his special Jonny pillow was delivered and he wants it so bad. That’s all he has is a pillow of his brothers face. Hearing him say….” Mama I don’t want to forget what Jonny looks like”. The crushing inside your bones is unbearable but you keep it together and say…”that will never happen”.
There is nothing I can do….NOTHING. I am forced to continue on this planet and do the best I can. I often say I wish dying was an option because I truly believe it would be easier. Again I just want a day of peace. I am tired; tired of trying to put this face on. I am terrified for the future and what will be expected of me. Will people stop talking to me because I’m not “over it”. Will I be expected to be “ over it”? Will people forget my son? How do you get over losing your toddler out of nowhere; right in front of you. I play that day over and over all day like a movie I watched . I can’t believe it was me….Jonny…my husband. I also play the moment leading up to it. Jonny running through puddles with his black crocs on, his baby blue shirt, and dark blue shorts. I can feel him holding onto my shoulders as I put him in his bathing suit. Looking at me with excitement to go swimming with his friends. I had no idea that would be the last moment I would feel his touch and look him in his eyes….I never saw his eyes again…..god I am broken. I spent so much time with my children and I am so grateful but with that comes so many memories…..It hurts. Jonny couldn’t be away from me for very long and now we are forced to be away forever. All I have is signs that I pray are him.
We met a family on vacation that we bonded with. They too had been through loss and were missing a piece of their family. We shared our grief and pictures and soon realized both our angels left us on the same day. Did Jonny bring them to us? Did he know I would be hurting on vacation and would need them to relate to? Bobby enjoyed their company and I can honestly say they saved the vacation for him and brought him joy that I couldn’t.
Here we are back home; where the snow has covered the ground; something Jonny would be very excited about. I think of the last time we spent the day sledding as a family. It was a great day and I’m glad I captured many moments from that time. All I have is memories and videos where I can hear my boys voice and love for life. He had so much life left and I feel completely robbed. I would do anything to give my life to have his back.
I’m his mom; I was supposed to protect him..