Will I ever be ok?

The last couple months have been the loneliest yet. I’ve never had so much love but felt so empty. People keep saying I still have a husband and son that need me. I know I love them but somehow I still feel nothing. Perhaps it’s my heart protecting itself. All I care about is my child that is no longer here…the saying you want what you can’t have has never been so true. My body physically yearns for him. Its a feeling only a mother in my shoes could understand. I am exhausted in every sense of the word. I don’t feel connected to anyone; not even myself. I feel like I’m walking in this life blind and terrified for what’s next. Will I ever be ok again? Will I ever feel a sense of calm again? This cannot be what god planned for me….it’s evil.

Last night I dreamt of Jonny. I was at a parade and walked in a room and there he was….he looked at me and smiled so big it took my breath away. I got down and put my arms out; he ran so fast and hugged me so tight. I could physically feel his hug. I stayed there smelling his hair and could feel the thickness of his hair. It was so real when I woke up I felt like I had been shot in the heart. I tried so hard to go back to sleep and back to that moment. I finally felt calm in that moment and I didn’t want to go back to reality.

Bobby came in shortly after for a snuggle and started talking about his brother; he often questions how many kids I have and refers to him as being here and Jonny not. I always make sure he understands I will always have his brother as a child. My anxiety this morning is high and that pit in my stomach is deep. Again I question how I’m going to continue this everyday….it’s torture

I had a meeting with Bobbys therapist; she mentioned that he’s processing anger, sadness, and confusion around his brothers passing . He’s confused why the doctors couldn’t make him better. They are there to help people and they didn’t help him. He’s sad that I’m sad and feels angry that this has happened to his brother. I agree with all of that. My five year old is trying to process the same as his adult mother….it’s not fair….I am so angry.

The unknown is scary; everything about my future is unknown. I used to have many words to describe myself….now all I have is a bereaved mother. It’s all I see when I look at myself; and it’s all I feel in my heart. All I’m doing is trying to keep my son alive in everyone’s eyes. I can’t let people forget him. He will never be a distant memory; I won’t let it happen.

2 thoughts on “Will I ever be ok?

  1. Tanya, I am glad Jonny came to you last night. I pray for all of you everyday that you will make it through one more day and if not then one hour, one minute. I pray that you have some peace in your day.

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  2. Our family is experiencing unbelievable grief since last June when our precious grandson passed away at only 8 months. He was a happy, very healthy infant who developed a bad cold. He didn’t have Covid or RSV. His breathing passageway was just filled with mucous that he couldn’t clear on his own. Our son and his wife called 911 and unfortunately the first responders only complicated his survival.They weren’t trained as PALS or even ALS. They were basic EMT’s that panicked. The first responding police officers were even worse. They failed to provide basic CPR for over 6 minutes and broke the “chain of survival”,. It was a tragedy all around. The baby was transported from the local hospital by medflight to Children’s Hospital and they did everything humanly and medically possible to try and save his life. He was taken off life support the following day and his organs were donated and that saved the lives of 3 other infants. It’s been 8 months now and we are all still in shock and grief. Friends don’t understand why we haven’t “gotten over it yet”. I tell them at my age I don’t have enough years left to ever get over this. Our son and daughter in-law are expecting another baby this May. We want to start a foundation in our deceased grandson’s name to educate young parents about learning infant CPR and what to demand if and when they need a 911 response. This should never happen to anyone!
    In closing, the entire staff at Children’s were so professional, transparent, caring and compassionate to all of us during our darkest moment of grief.
    My thoughts and prayers are with all of you!

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