I recently had a conversation with my therapist about finding ways to relax because my body can’t sustain this over drive and Jonny being gone isn’t going to change. She talked about the health concerns that could arise and the overall fact that it’s too much for my body to handle. I explained that I just wanted one minute back of my old life and body. The overwhelming racing in my head and the ache in my heart hasn’t stopped since July 22nd. I play the movie of my old life over and over and then I play the movie of him passing in front of me over and over. I play the what if game and if only……the worst part of this is I no longer have control of my mind or body. I used to lay my head down after tucking my boys in and fall fast asleep. I don’t think I’ll ever truly sleep again. How can I?
I play the avoidance a lot but how long can I do that too. I have the clothes he was wearing that day that I changed him out of seconds before. They have a stain from the snow cone he was eating. I can’t bring myself to look at them. They are tucked away with sand from the pond; in a bag in the closet. I want to hold them and smell them; but part of me is terrified. Terrified that I will drop and not be able to pull myself together again. It’s almost like those clothes represent the end of his life and I can’t face them yet. I close my eyes when I open that closet because I know his Spider-Man underwear are right on top. How is this my life? I am broken in so many ways.
I hide a lot of what I’m going through well. I know my husband and even my son does too. We all feel the pain and are struggling in our own way. I am so thankful for the stability of us. My husband has been my rock; we are closer now then ever before and I couldn’t imagine doing this without him. We both agree we need to hold it together for our son and we need to make sure he remains happy and a kid with all the experiences of life. But I can’t help but to think how this will shape his future. He will be the boy who lost his 3 year old brother at camp Clark. He will forever be terrified to go to summer camp. He will never look at a pond the same again. He will regularly visit a cemetery and be reminded that he was part of that “ before” life. I hate this new normal. I don’t know how to do it. For now it’s minute by minute. How can I relax with all of this ?