What a weird feeling……. I used to take smiling for granted; it was just part of everyday life. I look at pictures of myself prior to July 22nd and I don’t even recognize myself at times. The sparkle in my eye while looking at my children or being in a stupid selfie that I didn’t realize would mean the world to me later. Smiling is so healthy and so empowering and I feel as if I will never experience that again. The life I’m living is so scary; every day is a new normal and a normal that I’m dying to get out of. I find myself rushing to get through a day so the next one will come. I NEVER wanted to speed up time. I used to look at my boys sleeping and cry because they were growing too fast. I don’t want to rob myself of Bobbys life but it’s so hard. I say “ life is hard” a lot because that’s how I put it into a phrase. The pain I feel everyday; all day; is deep and more then I ever let people see. I often scream cry while in the car alone. I look in the rear view mirror and pray to see my little boy sleeping in his car seat as he often did. Jonny did everything with me. I couldn’t get into my car after because the memories of us dancing and singing old town road or me moving the wheel back and forth so they would bounce in their car seats belly laughing; that was one of his favorite things. I can’t go through a drive through without hearing “ mama I want jelly and chocolate”. Every single thing I do; there’s a memory and it hurts so badly.
Bobby asked me last night if we could put the Christmas tree up. I said it wasn’t time yet. Part of me died inside. He’s just a kid and wants things to be normal. His mama; the one he knows loves putting the tree up. I’m so torn between two mamas. Jonny loved the tree too but all I see is life going on when I feel as if mine has stopped because Jonny’s has. I am so so sad that he misses out; that my little boy only got the magic of Christmas 4 times; this year would of been the best yet. I will never get another video of them coming down the stairs together. My poor son is navigating this life without his brother and still says “ we need to get one for Jonny” and then puts it in his room. It’s so heartbreaking but I “smile” and say “oh yes of course”. How long will he do that for?
I just want to smile again; I want to feel joy; I want my normal.
Seeing peoples family pictures and joy of decorating for the holidays makes me so jealous. I have never been a jealous person; but I want that. I see two brothers together and it makes me physically sick. What kind of life is this? I don’t deserve this….I have always taken care of others. I just don’t understand why my child….anyone else…why my innocent little boy? I don’t want peoples pity; I don’t want to be the elephant in the room. I don’t want the sympathy eyes of “ there’s the mom that lost her little boy”. Again life is hard and I’m struggling.
I just want to smile again…
Life after losing a toddler 