August 11 ·Jonny loved to sleep in the car, we depended on this to make it through a dinner or a late play date with friends. When Jonny was over tired and in a mood it was no fun for anyone. Last night was one of the worst nights I’ve had yet. Reality maybe or just the pure fact that this actually happened and my baby son will never sleep behind me again. It hurts
August 12 ·Days are getting extremely harder for us. The more the time passes that I haven’t seen him or felt his love makes the pain in my core unbearable. He was just here…..I was just getting his around the neck uncomfortable squeeze. It doesn’t make sense. I look like such a tired mom in this picture, because I was. I had two crazy boys. Now I look like a tired heart broken mother with the look of emptiness because that’s what I am. I miss you
August 13 ·At 130am I woke up and looked beside me as I had my first dream of my baby boy. It was so real and I could physically feel him. He cried for me as he often did at night and said he wanted to come home and sleep with me. He put his arms up for me to carry him to my bed. The moment I woke up, I literally lost my breath and felt the deepest sting, it is still real. I cried and thought how on earth am I going to do this……I’ve been waiting for a dream but I’m not sure I can physically handle them. This is not ok. Jonny I miss you
August 14 ·It’s been very difficult to look through pictures as I find it takes my breath away seeing his perfect face and brightness of life. Everyday I see a picture I didn’t realize I had. I spent the last two years home with my boys and at times I thought I was losing it. The amount of memories I have is endless which I am so thankful for but also makes the hurt deeper. I miss his smell and voice and the forever part makes it hard to fathom each passing day. I am his mama and I needed him as much as he needed me. Why Jonny ? Why now?
August16 · Jonny would often ask me to take a picture or video of him doing sometimes silly to send to daddy at work. This was one of those times. He was always entertaining us and brought so much laughter to our home. I actually never noticed how much until now. Our home is too quiet……there is no laughter……we are not complete. I miss my silly baby boy #forever3andahalf
August 17 · Jonny went for a visit to have his teeth cleaned by his cousin who was in school for dental hygiene. The minute she gave him these glasses; I knew she wasn’t getting them back. Jonny wore these glasses for the remainder of the day including to bed. When Jonny got something new; he became overly obsessed with it for a short time until something new came about. Everyday I see something that he was once obsessed with; specifically his big brother and it hurts so deeply. He should be here…..we should not be doing this. We will never be complete
August 18 · Jonny didn’t know much about masks or Covid because we chose not to expose them to the nightmare the world is. Our kids lived life to the fullest and I am so grateful we made that decision. Jonny got a kick out of these face shields daddy ordered and had to try it. Anything you were doing he would respond with “ I do that too”. He was always so curious and eager to try things. He was a healthy growing little boy and we are left speechless, broken, and incomplete. We miss you every second of every day
August 18 ·Bobby asked me to open Jonnys door….it has been shut since because sometimes telling myself he is just “sleeping” is easier then dealing with the intense pain in my chest. My son is grieving his baby brother and I have to let him do it his way…..so I opened the door. My heart is heavy….“ oh no Jonny forgot his phone (tablet), we have to bring it to him”. How do I explain this? Again why is this happening to us? I will never ever understand. We are broken.
August 19 · Jonny had to go everywhere with me….recently if I tried to leave without him he would run after me in the driveway screaming “mama”. Daddy would joke and ask if he wanted to go back in my belly. Jonny became more clingy since working from home and I would often complain. “why do you love me so much”, I would ask him. His response was “ cause”. I had no idea what life would throw at me. I would do anything to have him running after me or clinging to me at a birthday party. I would do ANYTHING. This day he made me stop when he saw the ice cream man. He got sonic because his big brother liked him. Life is hard.
August 19 · My baby boy.
August 20 · How on earth am I supposed to raise this little boy without the other? They don’t know life without each other. Seeing Bobby everyday reminds me of my reason for going on but it also reminds me that he too is missing something very special…his best friend and baby brother. I honestly don’t know how we can do this…..
August 20 ·
August 20 · If I only knew….
August 21 ·Jonny was always checking to see what mama was doing. This day I was putting on a gold face mask. “ mama I do that”. I picked him up, sat him on the counter and brushed on some gold mask. He told me to take a picture and send it to daddy. God I miss this little boy with my whole heart. I miss life…..I miss me…..we are broken.
August 22 · As the days go by, I realize this nightmare is here to stay. Everything we do or see, I think of him. The amount of times I’ve accidentally called Bobby Jonny so naturally. The feeling after is pain. I miss this little boy so much that living everyday has become a chore. He was perfect and happy and should be here. Look at his smile even through the binky….
August 22 · Never take anything for granted….
August 23 ·Jonny loved Cheetos, but only because his brother did. Anytime Bobby picked a snack; Jonny wanted what his big brother had. He would say “ I want what Bobby has”. Although they fought like crazy; it was pure love and brotherhood. Bobby was everything to Jonny and it was amazing watching their bond grow. We are completely lost without this. Seeing our first baby play without our second is heart wrenching. Everything is hard
August 23 ·Daddy’s little boy
August 23 ·We did it.
We are humbled by the love and support for our baby boy. At 12:27am tonight it’s been a month since I felt my baby’s heart beat. To say we are devastated and broken is an understatement. Our lives have been flipped upside down and I’m not even sure how to navigate tomorrow. Having the love and support we do helps but will never make the pain go away. Jonny was full of life. He was always happy and LOVED his life. Who would of thought a brain aneurysm would take my healthy boy.
Please please ask questions…..if you have them in your family; tell your doctor; get checked. The only thing I can do is continue my awareness and fight for my boy and save as many kids as possible.
Mama and Daddy love and miss you so much. We will never stop fighting .
August 24 ·You are my sun, my moon, and all of my stars……
August 24 ·How has it been a month already….I have no words today; only pain
August 24 ·I LOVE YOU MY SWEET BOY
August 25 ·Jonny loved being outside. From the moment he woke up; he would open the shade in our room and say “ mama it’s sunny out, I go outside”. Jonny loved anything dangerous and adventurous and although he gave us many heart attacks, we loved that about him. Looking at his smile causes a sting in my heart so deep because he is so beautiful.
August 25 ·Unbearable
August 26 ·As I leave this morning for my own mri scan, I can’t help but to think; why am I going to get checked? Why couldn’t it of been me that day and he was going to get checked? I would trade spots with my baby in a second because I am his mother and I am supposed to go before him. I NEVER thought this is how our story would go. We were so happy and complete. I am beyond devastated and will never be ok. Jonny only let me do his hair like this when he was in the mood, he didn’t like to be the center of attention and often got embarrassed if people told him how handsome he looked. He even ruined his hair before picture day. He was awesome.
August 27 ·Yesterday we went to the beach as we are trying to carry on days as normal as possible for little Bobby. When I walked over to see what he was doing he told me he made a heart in the sand and “ it was for Jonny”. As much as I wanted to fall to the ground in tears; I told him how amazing it was and how he loved it. It’s funny when people tell me how “ good” we are doing and how great it is that we “ continue” to get out. If people could only feel what is going on in our hearts and brain every second. We are dying inside. There isn’t a second that I don’t want to scream and stop the world from moving. We cannot stop because we have another child. We had no choice in this. We cannot let Bobby feel his parents died the day his brother did. He deserves more and Jonny would want more for him. Believe me we are not ok; we haven’t even touched the surface of our grief as we are still in denial.
August 27 ·“Not always eye to eye, but always heart to heart”
August 28 ·As school approaches I can’t help but to remember how excited Jonny was about his new back pack and being like his big brother. This year Jonny and mama would send Bobby off on the bus to kindergarten and it would be just us. Jonny and I talked frequently about what we would do and how he would have me all to himself. Jonny has never had that since he was second born. The week he passed; we had a glimpse of this as Bobby went to summer camp and he stayed home with me. We had such a special week of no yelling or fighting; just fun and love. We went for runs together and he got to ride his brothers quad which was HUGE to him. I am so happy I had that week with him but I am SO sad I will not have these next two years just him and mama. September 7th is going to be a very difficult day for me. The silence will haunt my soul. I miss you
August 28 ·
August 29 ·Jonny was truly a cowboy at heart. A trip to Walmart resulted in him refusing to leave without these cowboy boots. The other day or what it feels like; we were going through his million pairs of shoes and came across these. I asked if we should throw them out because he wore them pretty good and they no longer fit. His response was “NO, those are my cowboy boots”. I still have them and I will never let them go.
August 29 ·it’s so hard to communicate with my baby so far from touch; but it’s all we have for now
August 29 ·
August 29 ·If love was enough to save you, you would have lived forever
August 30 ·Another trip out with mom resulted in Jonny not leaving without this ginormous duck. This duck was some what expensive so I told him he better take a bath with it until he’s 10. The duck has been part of bath time a long with some other ginormous things. Jonny did everything big and was truly bigger then life. Yesterday was a very bad day for me. I wasn’t feeling well so Daddy took Bobby out for the day . The silence and ability to be in my head was frightening. I hadn’t cried that much since being in the hospital those dreadful two days. I remember I used to love a minute to myself but now I would do anything not to. I know reality HAS to come but living in denial is easier. I cannot believe this really happened…..I can’t believe we will never see you again. It’s too much for any parent to process.
August 30 ·I have so many pictures of you sleeping. Something about the beauty and innocence of a child sleeping. God I miss you like crazy. Please stay by my side forever.
August 31 ·Cops and robbers was a game they were hooked on for some time. Bobby of course was the cop and Jonny OF COURSE was the robber. They would run around the yard chasing each other; Bobby yelling “ you’re under arrest”. When I see two brothers playing, I become upset, jealous, resentful, and so so sad. Not because I don’t wish that for that family but because I’m literally dying inside for what should be….what was. My poor Bobby, his partner….best friend….his BROTHER. It’s all too much to process. I have been in bed for two days now. I’m not sure if I’m fighting something or just a broken heart. I still wait to hear him call for me. I’m still waiting to wake up from this absolute nightmare. I had my kids close together for a reason, I will never understand this.
August 31 ·Hold onto him forever…
September 1 ·The awareness journey begins for my boy…..people ask how I have the energy to do this. If I don’t put my heart into something for him; I will not make it.
September 1 ·Jonny had this thing with gloves. Anytime we went to the doctors for a checkup he HAD to wear the gloves. He would get so frustrated if I couldn’t get all his little fingers in these huge gloves. Jonny did not have patience so this was a task I did not enjoy. This morning we are heading back to that hospital where we said goodbye to you. I know you will be with your brother while he gets his scan and I know he will be ok. I will be sure to grab some gloves for you and put them in your room. I miss you…..I love you….I would do anything to have you
September 2 ·These are the memories that will pop up and crush my soul. We were so happy
September 2 · What a bitter sweet morning for me. As I walked through the halls of Bobby’s new school I couldn’t help but to feel intense sadness. I won’t be able to have that day with Jonny. He lost out on so much in life and it’s not fair. I wanted to fall on the floor and scream but instead I went through the motions and let my boy enjoy his time. When I got home I got this overwhelming anxiety around the “ who’s in my family” project. I emailed the teacher and asked to email me prior because I wanted to have the conversation with Bobby about how Jonny is absolutely still in our family. How is this my life. I hate my new life.
September 3 ·
September 3 ·I remember the day I took this picture. I was sitting on the front porch drinking my coffee watching crazy man play. He came over and said “ I look like daddy”. I took a picture to show him and I remember thinking, man are you going to break hearts some day. Jonny was the definition of perfect . He didn’t have a single flaw on that beautiful face which is why it takes my breath away looking at him. I never thought this would be how I see my baby, never again, just forever 3.5 years old. How can the world be so cruel? Jonny deserved more…he had so much more to give. I will never be ok and no time will not heal, that’s not a thing when you are a mother forced to say goodbye to your child.
September 4 ·Jonny was a jack of all trades. He loved everything boy….we would give Jonny a box of nails and his little hammer ( yes his Mimi got him his own little real hammer)and he would bang nails into the ground for hours. Jonny wanted to do anything daddy was and wouldn’t come in until the job was done. Going forward every time daddy is doing yard work, I will feel sorrow and sadness that his little buddy isn’t there. Every part of our life included both of our sons and every part of our life now feels wrong. I hope he’s banging all the nails where ever he is. I love you
September 4 ·Memory of the day…..those eyes
September 5 ·I took so many side by sides like this of my boys to show them when they were older. They are clearly brothers. They are beautiful and would of grown up side by side being each other’s best friend. At times I thought I was crazy having them so close but then sitting back and watching their bond made my heart so happy . They would always have a friend on vacation and I never worried about them feeling lonely. Watching and listening to Bobby talk to himself breaks our heart. He is not used to being an only child and often says he misses Jonny. Recently he asked if we could “just go get another Jonny”. Holding back the deepest mother’s scream; I explained that was not possible and if it was I would in a second. He doesn’t understand…..We don’t understand
September 5 ·Tubby time used to be my favorite time…….now I dread every moment of it. Every little thing I took for granted. Why did my Jonny have to be the one to teach me this? I hate everything
September 6 ·Tomorrow is the big day, the day Jonny and I were waiting for. Bobby would go off to kindergarten and it would just be me and my baby boy for two whole school years until he would be on his way. As I prepare myself for this moment; I can’t help but to think what this experience is going to be like for my son. His whole life has been flipped upside down this last month and honestly for the rest of his life. Everything about our everyday life has been “ different”. He not only lost his brother, he lost a part of his mama, daddy, and his own identity. None of us are the same. All of it is so overwhelming to process. The stages of grief….there is no such thing. They are all over the place and no one knows until you are living in this hell. The worst thing you can tell a mother grieving the loss of her child is “ you are so strong”. Strong is the not the word I would use for myself. SURVIVING
September 6 ·You have no idea how much you mean to me….I would not be living if it wasn’t for you. I am not ready to be alone and I have no idea how I am going to do it but I know I have to….bus is at 8:25am
September 7 ·This is THE ONLY first day school board I ever got to do with Jonny. How I’m sorry; fucking sad is that. I’m sad, I’m angry, im utterly and completely devastated. Preschool is as far as my son got. He didn’t even completely know how write his name. There are many things in this world that are not fair but this is too much. Today Jonny would of been starting his first day at small scholars by himself without his big brother. He would go there twice a week and flourish even more then I had seen him in preschool. Drop off was always interesting with Jonny. He of course screamed for mama with his arms out while they took him away. Two minutes later they sent a picture of him happy and learning. Jonny always played hard to get. The teachers adored him because that hard to get personality made him even more special. I am sad today and I am so sorry for my baby who was never given a chance.
September 7·And he’s off. Before leaving he told everyone that he “had Jonny in his folder so that he can come to kindergarten with him”. What that must feel like for him. He is different; and always will be. He has a little brother who once he never knew life without that suddenly went to heaven without a goodbye. I pray he never forgets the bond they shared. My boy was so excited today and I made sure to have my meltdown before he woke up because he deserves this day to be a happy day. #firstdayofkindergarten
September 8 ·As I sit here in silence I can’t help but to think…..what would Jonny and I be doing today? His big brother is at school and we have the whole day to ourselves as I didn’t work on Wednesdays. If I know Jonny well enough; he would want to ride his brothers quad all day. Jonny was happy being outside which is why I find peace in nature these days. I’ve never sat outside and stared into the woods more then I do now. I wish I was staring at him riding that quad giving me a heart attack every minute. It’s still so surreal that he is not here. I know me being in denial is a way for my body to protect itself but I am completely terrified for what’s to come. Bobby asked to go see Jonny after school today; this is the FIRST time he has asked to go see his “ special place”. I don’t know if I should be happy or sad about this. I don’t know how to do any of it. I am lost and broken. Jonny took these eyes and stuck them on himself and once again asked for a picture. I love this child and his personality
September 8 ·
September8 ·Until now Brain Aneurysms meant very little to me….of course I had heard of them; but what I didn’t know was it would be the evil that tore my whole being to pieces. I had everything….we were perfect; until we met this devil. I hate you and I will fight you for taking my son.
September 8 ·Unless you can give me him back for my birthday; please DONT say Happy Birthday to me tomorrow.
September 10 ·We are always told that loving a child is the deepest love a person can feel. What you don’t expect to feel is the loss of a child which is the deepest hurt you can feel. Being a mother meant everything to me and seeing my boys healthy and happy was all that mattered from the second they entered the world. The countless nights of rocking them to sleep, kissing their boo boo even if there was nothing there, teaching them that sharing was part of life, seeing them do something on their own and the joy of success in their eyes. Everything about being Jonnys mom I loved. But this part of losing him is unbearable. I play things over and over and think what could I of done differently? I just want to save my baby….I just want him back in my arms. Not having control of your own child is one of the hardest parts of this. My baby was never apart from me this long but I can’t reach him…..how terrible of a feeling…whoever paved this life for me…why? Why my baby? I didn’t have enough time to teach him all that I needed Jonny fell asleep on my often even as a 3.5 year old. This is Christmas Eve last year. He is so content in my arms because that’s where he belongs.
September 10 ·My happy boy. Always happy while playing with the hose. I would burn myself alive for one more day watching you play with the hose. My heart physically aches for you
September 11 ·
September 12 · I find myself with overwhelming anxiety these past few days. I’m not one that suffered from anxiety but it was something I heard about often as my life before this was dedicated to being a social worker and helping others who suffered from their own trauma. It truly is debilitating. It’s like a million knots in my stomach being tied at the same time and pulled on. The feeling is of a mother dying for one more second with her child. I feel like he’s here all the time but I can’t physically hold him. There is no word for the pain I feel on a constant basis. I miss my boy, I miss everything that used to be me.
September 12 · “Until my very last breath ”
September 13 · I received three “ bills” in the mail this past week. One being from children’s, the other the funeral home, and lastly the town of plymouth for the plots. If I could explain the feeling I felt as I looked at those “bills”. I literally have to pay to never see my son again. I have to pay for the place where he will be buried for eternity. The day and a half he was on life support where I laid next to him praying for a miracle. I GAVE my sons organs and I still have to pay a deductible. I know this is normal and a part of the process but it hurts. I want to spend that money on memories with my son….college….anything but this. I feel myself going to a dark place and I don’t like it. I will rely on my supports and make it to tomorrow but I am SAD. Jonny loved the beach. This picture is from 2 weeks prior when we enjoyed a week off with each other as a family. Bobby and I talked about all the funny things his brother did this morning and I will make sure he never forgets them.
September 14 · Jonny absolutely loved being part of his Nautical Way family. He has grown up with all of these kids and thought of them as family. Some he fought with over toys but later would say “ mama next time I will share with ….”. Watching these kids continue to hangout and grow without Jonny is devastating. I see them laughing and running around and sometimes feel he is still there. BUT the reality is….he’s not. My heart breaks for them too….I know they feel the missing puzzle piece too. I am resentful at times because everyone has their kids there, but not me. What a weird feeling because I love each of them and want to see them grow. I am not sure how I’m supposed to do this and the feelings I have are not natural. I just want my son, I want Jonny
September 14 · @smallscholarspreschool dedicated this apple tree to Jonny who was a student there since the toddler room. This is Jonnys school picture in front of that very tree that would be named after him just months later ….I can’t thank @jamilynmom enough for the love and support for my boy.