I was recently talking with my therapist about how I was exhausted and the scariest part of it was that it will never go away. For the remainder of my life; I will always have a constant “sting”. There will never be a time where I am completely happy and without pain. When ten years goes by and we are on a family vacation; I probably will smile and feel a sort of happiness; but it will never be the happiness it should be or would of been. We will always have a missing piece of our puzzle. I would have to say sometimes the thought of that makes me not want to go on. It truly is so exhausting and terrifying.
We often talk about triggers and how they affect ptsd, anxiety, grief….what if everything you do is a trigger…..how do you deal with that? I can’t just pretend they don’t exist. In the morning when I put the shades up; the sound of the shade triggers me; Jonny would put them up and give me the forecast; excited that it was sunny out. Walking down the hall towards their bedrooms is a trigger; I open both doors but one of them is of my child who no longer lives…..I can’t pretend that isn’t his room. I can’t escape it. It’s a constant sting inside and I have to continue with it; because giving up just isn’t an option right now. I could name 15 things I do on a daily basis as a mom that is a trigger….how do I live like this?
July is coming and I feel like crawling in a hole. My husband brought up a hard point when I told him I didn’t want it to come…. He said “ next year it will come and he won’t be here and ten years from now it will come and he still won’t be here”. He’s right….it has nothing to do with dates or months; he’s gone and nothing is going to change that. It’s that constant sting…
I never ever imagined I would be here ; living a life of constant internal pain that unfortunately I have to mask 90% of the time because who wants to be that person. I look like me and at times I even say something that reminds me of my old self; it actually catches me off guard….I miss myself, I miss my husband, I miss my living son, and god do I miss my Jonny. The sting is constant. How on earth did this happen?