The fear of losing a child

I’ll never forget the day Jonny locked himself in the car without us knowing. I was in the house working; making my regular calls and e-mails in between being a working stay at home mom. Bobby was home that day so we were tag teaming . Bobby was mowing the lawn which he did on his day off every week. The boys loved watching him. Jonny would sit with the blower and blow the grass happy as could be. This one day though Jonny came inside but then left out the garage door without Bobby seeing. He assumed he was in the house with me so thought nothing of it. I came out after a call and looked for all my boys. Jonny was nowhere….I asked where he was and he responded; “ isn’t he in the house with you”. At that moment my heart sank. I instantly looked at the car and ran as fast as I could. I opened the door and there was my baby; screaming on the verge of passing out from exhaustion. I screamed as I did that day in July . Bobby came running and went into action also as he did that day. He has always been our hero and when he was there; I never worried. He always knew what to do. He ran with Jonny to the bath and brought his body temperature down and gave him water. Jonny was fine but the fear I felt that day was something I will never forget . I called my friend who was a nurse and happened to also be there that day in July . How ironic.

I went for a ride because I didn’t want the kids to see me like that. I screamed and cried to my mom because I was terrified…..terrified that I was going to lose my son. I remember I shared my story and got feedback that thanked me because people don’t realize how fast things can happen….I slept with Jonny that night . I stared at him with tears rolling down my face and thanked god for letting me find him at that moment and that he was ok. The thought of losing my child was literally too much to bare.

I now think about that day; and it still brings me anxiety….what was that? Was it god preparing me for what was to come? Well that’s evil to think about. Why was I being tested; Jonny was always the one giving us heart attacks. He was adventurous and unpredictable but that’s also what we loved about him. I can’t believe less then a year later and he is gone. I can’t believe I am living that nightmare I escaped. I’m crippled with the whys. Why him….why me….why my family? Jonny was the light of the family; keeping up laughing and on our toes.

I feel so sad and empty these days. People want to help but no one can. Unless you have lost a child; you cannot even fathom the pain we feel.

Published by Jonny’s Mama

Bereaved mother trying to navigate life after losing my son unexpectedly at 3.5 years old.

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