When I try to explain how I feel inside on a daily basis; it’s hard to put into words that any average person would understand. Today while talking to my mother in law; she said “floating through life“. At that moment I realized that is exactly what I’m doing. Im here; physically….you can see me….hear me…even hug me. But inside my body I feel dead. I am not seeing….hearing…I am screaming at the top of my lungs but no one can hear it. I know I may of just made no sense but that’s my everyday. I put on a good face daily, I show up and I’m present but inside I am screaming for it to stop; for my son back. I want this life to stop. I am completely miserable and heartbroken and feel like life is so hard. I can’t shut it off. It’s like I’m outside of my body watching life happen before me.
Today Bobby brought a picture of his brother in for show and tell. I wonder if he did that because he knew I wanted him to; or if he really wanted to. I don’t want to shape him in this world of sadness and loss. I wanted him to bring a sonic doll or his favorite truck. But unfortunately my son is no longer an average five year old. He has a brother in heaven who he is missing desperately and a mother and father who are completely broken. Everything about our life is so wrong right now. I wish all this love and support would make it better. I wish that love could bring my baby home because he would of never left. I still want to be a good mom, I want to laugh with him and do all the things I used to. While getting dressed today; I sat in front of the mirror as I do everyday. Jonny would sit with me and either lay in my lap or pretend to put makeup on. He would ask me to do the blow dry thing. I would blow dry him and he would spin around belly laughing. We had a lot of fun conversations in front of that mirror. He would look at himself and I would tell him how handsome he was. I would say; “ are you pretty or handsome”. He would proudly say “ handsome like Daddy”. Every second of everyday I am reminded that he is not here….it’s honestly unbearable.
Don’t ever think it won’t happen to you…
Life after losing a toddler 