Floating Through Life

When I try to explain how I feel inside on a daily basis; it’s hard to put into words that any average person would understand. Today while talking to my mother in law; she said “floating through life“. At that moment I realized that is exactly what I’m doing. Im here; physically….you can see me….hear me…even hug me. But inside my body I feel dead. I am not seeing….hearing…I am screaming at the top of my lungs but no one can hear it. I know I may of just made no sense but that’s my everyday. I put on a good face daily, I show up and I’m present but inside I am screaming for it to stop; for my son back. I want this life to stop. I am completely miserable and heartbroken and feel like life is so hard. I can’t shut it off. It’s like I’m outside of my body watching life happen before me.

Today Bobby brought a picture of his brother in for show and tell. I wonder if he did that because he knew I wanted him to; or if he really wanted to. I don’t want to shape him in this world of sadness and loss. I wanted him to bring a sonic doll or his favorite truck. But unfortunately my son is no longer an average five year old. He has a brother in heaven who he is missing desperately and a mother and father who are completely broken. Everything about our life is so wrong right now. I wish all this love and support would make it better. I wish that love could bring my baby home because he would of never left. I still want to be a good mom, I want to laugh with him and do all the things I used to. While getting dressed today; I sat in front of the mirror as I do everyday. Jonny would sit with me and either lay in my lap or pretend to put makeup on. He would ask me to do the blow dry thing. I would blow dry him and he would spin around belly laughing. We had a lot of fun conversations in front of that mirror. He would look at himself and I would tell him how handsome he was. I would say; “ are you pretty or handsome”. He would proudly say “ handsome like Daddy”. Every second of everyday I am reminded that he is not here….it’s honestly unbearable.

Don’t ever think it won’t happen to you…

Published by Jonny’s Mama

Bereaved mother trying to navigate life after losing my son unexpectedly at 3.5 years old.

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