What a weekend… Bobby and I attended a grief retreat hosted by Maureen Hancock. To say we are mentally exhausted is an understatement. During this retreat we learned how to connect with Jonny and understand energy. We connected with other parents and although not every story is the same; we are all treading the same waters. We all hurt and yearn for our children/ loved ones. Jonny mentioned how much he is still present with us and how excited he is for what we have planned. I weeped tears wondering how this is possible. Maureen stated that they cannot and do not feel sadness as they are always here with us…watching us…sending signs…and happy.
I don’t know if this makes me feel better or worse. As much as I want it to make me feel better; I am left sad and broken. I do not want my baby there; I want him here. There are so many things I’ve been told that I know he’s still with us; but why doesn’t it help? He’s my child; I want my child here with me in my arms.
During the retreat; we stumbled upon a women who had a cadaver knee. We asked if she had written the letter to the family of the donor. She said she didn’t know what to say. Through tears I told her how much this meant as a mother of an organ donor. She began to cry and thanked us. We realized we were meant to meet her at this moment. Jonny was doing his work and making us better people. I am so proud of my son.
Christmas is coming and it’s hard. I normally would have two of everything. Bobby asked how he can get Jonny his gifts; so innocent and pure. Tonight he said “ mama I love Jonny”. My son is hurting and I don’t know how to help him. I said that he was there and could hear him….keep talking to him…tell him you love him…what else do I say?
I’m still lost in this world of grief and see no end. The future scares the shit out of me. When I think about how much time I may have on this earth; I become angry because it seems so long until ill be with my baby again.
I made a promise that I will take what I’ve learned this weekend and search for my boy…what do I have to lose ?