Six month blues

Three days now I’ve been struggling to get out of bed. In the beginning I had an overwhelming amount of anxiety that kept me pacing….I couldn’t stay still in my thoughts and people would say “ I don’t know how you’re out of bed”.

Here I am…almost 6 months into my after and I’m hurting deeper then ever. I’ve gone to dark places that I don’t talk about with just anyone because how could they understand. I’m thankful for the support system I have but a lot of days I feel very alone. Only Jonny and I knew our relationship and bond. The endless amount of times I jokingly asked him why he loved me so much. Recently Bobby has been kissing me on the cheek and saying “ I love you so so much mama”. Part of me feels his brother is guiding him to do this because he knows I need to be there for him.

The guilt I feel as a mother and wife lately; I am just not present. I am lost. I feel like I have no control of this life; whatever life I’m living. Im sitting here now with Jonny; watching the birds feed from his feeder. Bobby is with my parents having fun because I just can’t do it today. Am I a bad mom for that? I just want him to be happy and distracted from this sadness.

January 20th Bobby goes back to work….as I feared from the beginning ….life goes on. But my Jonny isn’t back….how can that be? It’s not fair. I just want my life back. I want laughter and joy back in my life. Everyone says it will come with time. But I know it will never truly come back. There will always be a hole deep in my soul. I’m a mother; Jonny grew inside of me…you can’t take that from me; from any mother. It’s what makes a mother and child bond so incredibly strong. My boys were my whole life. If you know me; you know I’m Bobby and Jonnys mom and I had my hands full but I loved being their mom.

The day of Jonny’s incident; I had a call with my unit at work and the big boss. He asked to explain each other’s qualities and mine was the “ mom” of the unit. I remember listening to them explain what a great mom I was and how important it was to me. I’ll never forget that call. I also remember running around the woods because I lost Jonny on the quad and was nervous he would get hurt. I joked and said “ don’t speak too soon I just lost my kid in the woods”. Soon enough he came around and said “ hi mama I’m right here”. I lectured him on how he scared me and not to leave my site again. Just hours later he would leave me forever …..how fucking ironic. I’m so angry

All I think about is Jonny ; it consumes my every thought. I don’t know how one gets through this…

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