Like a tornado

Today I finally pulled into Nelson Park. A place I often took the boys and the place I would meet my parents after a long day of work. As I pulled in; the vision of them spotting my car and running screaming “mama”like they hadn’t seen me in years yet it had only been hours came to me. Instantly the tornado hit. The tears came and my heart physically stung. It feels like just yesterday I had it all. But the reality is; it’s been almost 9 months since I’ve heard one of my children call me mama. The amount of time I carried him inside me. How is that possible? How am I still alive?

I sat there and let the tears come. I looked at the birds we once enjoyed feeding. Jonny would run through the field scaring them away but then had them surrounding him feeding out of his hands while he stood in their poop. He loved animals. All the memories I have in this one spot; in 3.9 short years. I can’t help but to think about all the ones we’ll miss together. Would he still love feeding birds today? I don’t know that answer and again the tornado hits. I will never know my son passed 3.9 years old. I am so angry.

I was talking to another bereaved mother yesterday and we spoke about how losing a child changes your thoughts. When someone posts about “ the places their new little one will go”; sadly I say to myself “ how do they know they will live long”. I never imagined when I took that video of Jonny the night before it would be the last time he would be alive on my camera roll. It wasn’t even 12 hours later. I hate what this has done to me. My thoughts are dark and the world is dark . I want to go back to that naive mother I was before. I believed that if I ensured my children were safe they would be ok. Everything I once knew is no longer. It’s a scary world to live in.

I wish there was an easy way to get through this; I wish I could be more upfront with my emotions. I find writing them is the easiest way for me. For some reason when I’m around family or even my own husband I feel the need to suck it in and not show the screaming monster inside me. I find grieving a lone is the way I am coping and I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I have my Jonny moments everyday and they are ugly; but they are between him and I. Only he knows my true pain. He hated when I pretended to cry; he would run over and hug me and say “stop mama”. He loved me so much and man do I miss that love.

Grief really is like a tornado that keeps coming. Unfortunately I was forced into this storm and somehow have to crawl through. Until it’s my turn to go home to him.