I spoke to my therapist this week about the different degrees of guilt I feel being a mother to a child here on earth and one in heaven. Just writing that bring so many tears. It NEVER gets easier to say. I often say that I write my feelings because saying them out loud is horrific for me. I hide a lot of my grief behind closed doors because I don’t want people to worry about me. I am good at keeping it together but man if people could see my insides. Sometimes I feel guilty for keeping it together; like I’m supposed to be a babbling mess all the time… like there is some expectation of me. Sounds ridiculous right?
I feel guilty for feeling like Bobby thinks I love Jonny more then anyone….my whole existence now is keeping his memory alive and making sure he remains part of our life. I worry about honoring him in any way; forgetting that I have another child who deserves that same love. I worry about how we will celebrate Jonnys 5th birthday before thinking about Bobby’s 6th which comes first. How terrible is that? I just can’t let him go and I’m so scared….my body physically yearns for him. Sometimes if I hold Bobby at a certain angle his head looks like Jonny’s and I pretend I’m holding him; for a second my heart fills; but then it shatters a second later.
Bobby is constantly saying he hates his house and has no one anymore. I become frustrated with him because I so badly want to change that but I can’t. The guilt I have that I can’t bring his brother back and I can’t bring our old “ home” back; it’s such a helpless feeling. Sometimes I find myself on the floor with him doing a puppet show and him belly laughing. When we are done he will say “ mama will you do that tomorrow?”. I can see that he’s yearning for the old me and when he gets a glimpse of it; he wants more. I’m doing the best I can. I want the old me back too; but she died July 24th 2021 when her sons heartbeat stopped laying right next to her.
My journey now is finding the new me which brings on a whole new level of guilt. How does life go on? I just can’t see it yet; the pain is too deep right now. Bobby IS my driving force to continue this journey. He deserves all the belly laughs.