Guilt in grief…

I spoke to my therapist this week about the different degrees of guilt I feel being a mother to a child here on earth and one in heaven. Just writing that bring so many tears. It NEVER gets easier to say. I often say that I write my feelings because saying them out loud is horrific for me. I hide a lot of my grief behind closed doors because I don’t want people to worry about me. I am good at keeping it together but man if people could see my insides. Sometimes I feel guilty for keeping it together; like I’m supposed to be a babbling mess all the time… like there is some expectation of me. Sounds ridiculous right?

I feel guilty for feeling like Bobby thinks I love Jonny more then anyone….my whole existence now is keeping his memory alive and making sure he remains part of our life. I worry about honoring him in any way; forgetting that I have another child who deserves that same love. I worry about how we will celebrate Jonnys 5th birthday before thinking about Bobby’s 6th which comes first. How terrible is that? I just can’t let him go and I’m so scared….my body physically yearns for him. Sometimes if I hold Bobby at a certain angle his head looks like Jonny’s and I pretend I’m holding him; for a second my heart fills; but then it shatters a second later.

Bobby is constantly saying he hates his house and has no one anymore. I become frustrated with him because I so badly want to change that but I can’t. The guilt I have that I can’t bring his brother back and I can’t bring our old “ home” back; it’s such a helpless feeling. Sometimes I find myself on the floor with him doing a puppet show and him belly laughing. When we are done he will say “ mama will you do that tomorrow?”. I can see that he’s yearning for the old me and when he gets a glimpse of it; he wants more. I’m doing the best I can. I want the old me back too; but she died July 24th 2021 when her sons heartbeat stopped laying right next to her.

My journey now is finding the new me which brings on a whole new level of guilt. How does life go on? I just can’t see it yet; the pain is too deep right now. Bobby IS my driving force to continue this journey. He deserves all the belly laughs.

Published by Jonny’s Mama

Bereaved mother trying to navigate life after losing my son unexpectedly at 3.5 years old.

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