Here I am…”one more day”; your elf Gooberhead wrote on a note to your brother. The look of happiness and excitement still in those little innocent eyes. I wish so badly you were here sharing that excitement. The magic of Christmas was one of my favorite parts of being a mom. I feel so depleted right now. All my magic is gone; I feel lost and so sad. I put on that smile for your brother because I know you would want me to. I heard him playing with trucks this morning; “ let’s go Jonny” he said. Is he just using your name because he misses you or are you playing with him? I pray to god you are there….your poor brother. One of the hardest parts of this; is looking in his eyes and knowing his future has been completely altered from what it was.
I don’t know how we are going get through the next week. Start of a new year? A new year without you….I feel like the life is being sucked out of me everyday. I feel weak and completed powerless in this world. I worry about everything; how can I not. You were here and then within seconds just gone. No warning . My whole world makes no sense. Not many people understand the pain that lives within me daily. The struggle to just breath when sometimes all you want to do is stop breathing.
I miss you, I miss me, I miss my family. I have no idea who I am anymore; but I know I am your mom and you are my son. I love you more everyday and miss even more.
I wish I could visit you; hold you; even if it was a minute a day. I am lost without your physical being. That smile that could light up a room. You are so beautiful. I will be searching for you everyday until I see you again.
I love you
Life after losing a toddler 