Holiday reality

I never realized prior to the passing of my son what my social network posts may be doing to someone else. I am not saying people should not be doing them; I’m simply being honest and voicing part of my grief. I remember the days of capturing every moment of the holidays and changing seasons and shouting it out loud. I was happy and I was proud of it. Seeing peoples posts today about being happy Halloween is over and wanting to put up Christmas decorations makes me want to die. I want nothing more then to never have to celebrate a holiday again. I hate them all. I’m happy today because Halloween is over and I am still breathing. I never in my life thought I would be here. Who honestly does? My child was not sick; he was here last Holiday season with no end in sight. I still feel like I’m not living in reality. It just can’t be. I miss my son so much that I question if I can actually live a full life. People say a broken heart can take years off your life and I truly feel that. The thought of living even one year is hard. I am jealous; at times resentful. Not because I wish this on anyone; but because I don’t want it to be us. It’s not fair .

I wish prior to this ; I thought about my posts and what they may do to someone who didn’t have what I had. But then again; how can that be reality too? People deserve to be happy and capture it. I am in the most complex state of mind. I am in a battle with my brain all day everyday. I used to count down the days until Christmas and now I wish it would never come.

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