Here we are….what is supposed to be the weekend we’ve all been waiting for. The break of shitty weather; the sun shining; the feeling of summer. I would wake up to Jonny aggressively opening the shades to tell me what the day looked like. “ mama it’s sunny out” he would say with this joy in his voice. He loved being outside.
I have been hit with an intense increase of anxiety this past week. The blooming trees and sound of people mowing the lawn; summer is coming. For me it has a whole new meaning….summer is the season my son died. We spent the day outside in the sun doing what he loves….this year he is not here; not even for the beginning like he was last year. How has it already been this long? Bobby talks about his birthday coming; he loves his birthday. This year will be our first without his little brother. As much as I want to be happy that day for Bobby; every year it will be the hardest week of my life. How gruel it is that his brother was taken two days after his birthday and went to heaven on the day of his party. Jonny would of never missed his party.
I will be flying out in a couple weeks to meet other moms in my shoes. I’m terrified. I have found that grieving a lone works for me and is where I feel safe. It’s actually amazing how strong the brain is and how someone can be physically dying inside but have a smile on their face. As a social worker I have dealt with families and trauma for years and I never truly understood what “ trauma” could look like or not look like until now. I don’t think anyone truly knows until you’ve been through it. Text books can say all they want but no doctor can tell me they “understand me” unless they themselves have buried one of their children.
It’s funny how people ask you if you’re having feelings of suicide; like this is a question that anyone would be honest about. Since my son died I think about dying every single day. I think about how much easier it would be then living in this pain. I’m not scared to die. I think it’s very common and any mother with a child waiting for them would say the same. I know I have that choice and somehow that makes me feel better. I choose to live another day everyday because I have people that need me here and it would be very selfish of me to leave them. Please don’t mistake that as a Q5 statement; it’s just reality.
This summer will be hard….everyday is hard. All I can do is get through days as they come with no expectation for myself. There is no cure for this.