We dissociate to survive…

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted on here….part of me has been exhausted and the other part avoiding.

I recently started EMDR therapy. I had heard so much about it but I was scared. I was scared to relive the trauma and actually say it out loud. I was scared to move forward in the world of healing. I was scared to face the absolute reality that this happened, it wasn’t changing, and my son DIED. Even typing that; I got a wave of panic and instantly lost my breath ; like it was being told to me for the first time. It’s been over a year and a half and it still stings that bad.

The session starts with “‘we’re here to talk about the loss of your son”. She asked me what I see and what emotion comes up hearing that. I realized when she said those words; I pinched the skin on my hand as though to release some of the pain. I’m forced to feel….I’m forced to go back to those moments and say out loud what I have buried deep inside but that carry. She said just because you don’t talk about it doesn’t mean it’s not heavy. Its weighing me down. It made sense….but it was hard.

I explained to her that I hate when people say “ I don’t know how you do it”. As though I have a choice. I realized I should just tell the truth. I do it by disassociating my life with reality. Have you ever drove somewhere and you don’t remember driving ? That’s my life everyday. I do what I have to but I am not living in reality. I bet every mother who has lost a child can relate. I have my memories and life with my son here, I have the nightmare of losing him, and I have this life; trying to live but also wanting to get back to him. I’m somewhere in the middle of all of those. It’s not a life of calm; it’s the absolute opposite.

She told me she would like to get me to a point where I am able to live with the memories and smile instead of instantly thinking of the loss and pain. I need to be able to socialize and not feel like I’m jumping out of my skin. I want to enjoy memories with my living children and know that it’s ok. I don’t want to feel guilt anymore for living. I need to be able to go back to work and not be triggered by the sound of an email or scheduled meeting. It’s weird how much panic needing to be somewhere brings me.

I am willing to try anything because I truly believe Jonny would want that for me. He hated when I would pretend to cry. I wish I was still pretending. I didn’t know it was possible to cry everyday. I can’t believe I haven’t run out of tears. But my tears are a reflection of my love; and I love him so very much. I want to live for him. I just need help getting there. I hope this is the answer.

Published by Jonny’s Mama

Bereaved mother trying to navigate life after losing my son unexpectedly at 3.5 years old.

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