The meaning of happiness

I never really thought about what it truly meant to be happy. Of course I have had times where I was upset and considered myself “unhappy”. Whether is was a job, someone in my family upsetting me, or just the way I felt in my own body. We have all experienced a time of unhappiness. What I have learned through losing my child is those times of “ unhappiness “ could be fixed. You can always change your job, talk it through with a family member, or go on a diet. The fact that I cannot change or do anything to “ fix” my unhappiness is so debilitating. I want more then anything to be happy. I want my son, my husband, and my family to be what it was. Sometimes I stare in space and feel like my whole life is crumbling around me and I’m standing in the middle watching it; unable to move. I still avoid things I don’t want to face and feel like I’m last person on earth people want to “run” into. I don’t want to upset anyone….I know that sounds crazy but I am a empathetic person by nature.

I miss being a mom; I said the other day to my husband that felt like I was a bad mom. He of course said absolutely not and I don’t have it in me. I just want to be the mom I was. I find myself living in the past and letting the present pass me by. I haven’t taken pictures like I used to. I don’t want my camera roll to be too far from Jonny’s life with us. I am so lost and so confused on this planet that I used to navigate so happily. Bobby asked to sleep in Jonny bed last night and watch his favorite movie Shark Boy. As much as I wanted to let him I just couldn’t . I just can’t let Jonny scent go. I want his head to be the last on that pillow; it’s all I have. He understood and watched Shark Boy in his own bed. He is such a sweet brother. I know he thinks of him often and feels the hurt. They were only separated a few times ever in their life. I am not only grieving my child; I’m grieving our whole future that was. There will always be a before and after. Why did this happen? There is not making sense of it. I drive myself crazy everyday with it. I question how on earth I will continue this unhappy life day in and day out.

People say time makes it easier and you learn to live with your grief and will feel happiness but I disagree. Losing Jonny will never be easier and I will never be truly happy again. There is no loss like this….

Published by Jonny’s Mama

Bereaved mother trying to navigate life after losing my son unexpectedly at 3.5 years old.

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