I never really thought about what it truly meant to be happy. Of course I have had times where I was upset and considered myself “unhappy”. Whether is was a job, someone in my family upsetting me, or just the way I felt in my own body. We have all experienced a time of unhappiness. What I have learned through losing my child is those times of “ unhappiness “ could be fixed. You can always change your job, talk it through with a family member, or go on a diet. The fact that I cannot change or do anything to “ fix” my unhappiness is so debilitating. I want more then anything to be happy. I want my son, my husband, and my family to be what it was. Sometimes I stare in space and feel like my whole life is crumbling around me and I’m standing in the middle watching it; unable to move. I still avoid things I don’t want to face and feel like I’m last person on earth people want to “run” into. I don’t want to upset anyone….I know that sounds crazy but I am a empathetic person by nature.
I miss being a mom; I said the other day to my husband that felt like I was a bad mom. He of course said absolutely not and I don’t have it in me. I just want to be the mom I was. I find myself living in the past and letting the present pass me by. I haven’t taken pictures like I used to. I don’t want my camera roll to be too far from Jonny’s life with us. I am so lost and so confused on this planet that I used to navigate so happily. Bobby asked to sleep in Jonny bed last night and watch his favorite movie Shark Boy. As much as I wanted to let him I just couldn’t . I just can’t let Jonny scent go. I want his head to be the last on that pillow; it’s all I have. He understood and watched Shark Boy in his own bed. He is such a sweet brother. I know he thinks of him often and feels the hurt. They were only separated a few times ever in their life. I am not only grieving my child; I’m grieving our whole future that was. There will always be a before and after. Why did this happen? There is not making sense of it. I drive myself crazy everyday with it. I question how on earth I will continue this unhappy life day in and day out.
People say time makes it easier and you learn to live with your grief and will feel happiness but I disagree. Losing Jonny will never be easier and I will never be truly happy again. There is no loss like this….