I’ve been struggling…..my grief seems to be hitting me over and over but it’s coming in forms of flash backs.
Yesterday while driving; I began panicking thinking about my child being alone under “there”. I thought about the clothes I put on him and wondered why I didn’t just put him in his favorite pajamas. I thought about our final goodbye and regretted not picking him up and letting him lay on my shoulder as he always did. I was so scared of all the machines and setting one off that I didn’t want to move him too much. But why didn’t I? I should of given him his last bath but I was scared of what I would witness. But we always did bath before bed….he never went to bed dirty. I play it over and over like a movie; my last hours with my 3 year old child. I did not process then that it was what it was. I am processing it now and it’s absolutely horrific. What we witnessed as parents; I don’t know how you come back from that. How do walk around and just go on? I feel so different; like an alien. The death of my son consumes my every thought.
I’ve realized the only time my anxiety is low is when I’m alone. I don’t have to put a face on; I can just cry and scream and feel. It’s horrible not to want to be around people you love; even your own husband and children. Brooke is too young to know so tears are ok with her. I told Bobby when he got off the bus yesterday and I was in bed that I was having a bad day. He asked“ because of jonny?” I said yes and that I was really missing him. He then asked why I never cry when he’s home. It was then I realized he sees the mask too. He wears one too. Maybe if I cried in front of him; he would cry in front of me too. I try so hard to keep myself together that my 6 year old notices and does it too.
Isolation is something I never imagined I’d want. But anything else is so exhausting and I have so many demons inside that I have to fight off. I don’t want this life; I feel myself being miserable and short tempered. I just want to run away but no matter how far I run, it comes with me. I want to be a better wife and a better mom but life is beating me to death. My thoughts and grief are winning. I’m losing this battle right now.
I want my old life
2 thoughts on “Isolation”
Your old life is gone but you can have a new life – it’s not what you wanted or ever dreamed of but it holds the ones you love physically and spiritually and who love you. Jonny is with you, every second of every day and is walking with you as you start this new normal. Let him give you the strength you need to go on.
Everyone that knows you, wants to say or do something to make it easier for you but know it is impossible . We think of you daily and pray for some peace for you –