Isolation

I’ve been struggling…..my grief seems to be hitting me over and over but it’s coming in forms of flash backs.

Yesterday while driving; I began panicking thinking about my child being alone under “there”. I thought about the clothes I put on him and wondered why I didn’t just put him in his favorite pajamas. I thought about our final goodbye and regretted not picking him up and letting him lay on my shoulder as he always did. I was so scared of all the machines and setting one off that I didn’t want to move him too much. But why didn’t I? I should of given him his last bath but I was scared of what I would witness. But we always did bath before bed….he never went to bed dirty. I play it over and over like a movie; my last hours with my 3 year old child. I did not process then that it was what it was. I am processing it now and it’s absolutely horrific. What we witnessed as parents; I don’t know how you come back from that. How do walk around and just go on? I feel so different; like an alien. The death of my son consumes my every thought.

I’ve realized the only time my anxiety is low is when I’m alone. I don’t have to put a face on; I can just cry and scream and feel. It’s horrible not to want to be around people you love; even your own husband and children. Brooke is too young to know so tears are ok with her. I told Bobby when he got off the bus yesterday and I was in bed that I was having a bad day. He asked“ because of jonny?” I said yes and that I was really missing him. He then asked why I never cry when he’s home. It was then I realized he sees the mask too. He wears one too. Maybe if I cried in front of him; he would cry in front of me too. I try so hard to keep myself together that my 6 year old notices and does it too.

Isolation is something I never imagined I’d want. But anything else is so exhausting and I have so many demons inside that I have to fight off. I don’t want this life; I feel myself being miserable and short tempered. I just want to run away but no matter how far I run, it comes with me. I want to be a better wife and a better mom but life is beating me to death. My thoughts and grief are winning. I’m losing this battle right now.

I want my old life