“Is it better to have loved and lost or not loved at all?”
This is the question I’ve been asking myself lately. I recently told my husband that if I knew this was my path; I wouldn’t of had children at all. He then said “ but then we wouldn’t have Bobby or of known Jonny”. Behind this comment is immense sadness and devastation. I actually can’t even believe I said it. But this pain I live with everyday comes from the love I felt for my child. I never thought I was going to lose him. So my thought is; if I didn’t know the love; I wouldn’t know this pain. It’s a conflict that is complex and only a mother in my shoes could understand. I feel as though I am incapable of loving. I used to look at my boys and feel love in my heart; sometimes it actually hurt because I loved them so much. I no longer feel that. I know I love my son and my husband; but I don’t feel it like I used to. I feel empty and like I have no soul. Perhaps the pain is shielding the love.
I miss feeling; I miss looking into the future with plans of joy and thinking about all the memories we would make. I now live in past and refuse to move forward. I don’t want memories without one of my children. It feels gruel. The world is gruel. Imagine living everyday waiting to die…..it’s unbelievable. I feel the world is moving all around me and I am just watching it; wishing it away. I am stuck…I am stuck in hell on earth.
My son is hurting and I don’t know how to help him. He tells me multiple times a day “ mama I miss you”. I don’t even know what that means…..is Jonny coming through him or does he really miss “me”; like I miss me. The me that woke up happy everyday looking for a new adventure with her boys. The mom that he never saw cry because she wasn’t sad. The mom that could fix any boo-boo with a hug and a kiss. I cannot fix this boo-boo and I cannot fix my heart. I am not the mom he deserves. When he cries tears of absolute sadness and says “ I have no one to play with”. All I hear is “ I miss my brother”. When he tells me “ Jonny is cold in that box”. How as a mother do you respond in a way that can possible make sense. I am so angry, I am so exhausted, and I am completely defeated. I don’t know how to come back from this.
I will never understand why Jonny; why us?