I’ve been quiet on here; sometimes I feel like I can’t find the words because well…we lost our child; our 3 year old boy who was so full of life. We never saw it coming. We got the autopsy; he had a weak artery in his brain that ruptured; he was most likely born with it or it formed early on. There was no way to know he had this….it would of happened in his sleep or while eating dinner at home with me. Out of all the children why mine? WHY
I have been struggling with faith lately; what it means; what it’s for; why people talk about it so much. Losing my son has taught me so much; but it doesn’t teach you faith. I’ve realized I need to understand it in my own way. Prior to 2002; I honestly never thought about it. In 2002 I lost my boyfriend in a horrific car accident that I thought was going to kill me. The pain I felt was deep. It was then I realized I needed to believe there was something after death. I struggled to come back from that loss and was lost for many years trying to find my way. I always felt Mike was guiding me and I truly believed he led me to the life I had. I was happily married to my best friend ; someone he knew and someone who every November 14th allowed me to grieve and talk about it. He even agreed to give his name as our second sons middle name. I said it would protect him. I was finally at a place where that loss came and hurt but I was happy again. We had two beautiful boys and a happy home.
Losing my son is nothing like that loss; however it brings up a lot of those same feelings but on a much deeper level. When I was in the hospital waiting to hear the status of my son; I went to my knees and begged god and Mike to save him and let him be ok. I screamed and screamed asking god why again? I felt I had paid my loss dues and I finally made it. When the doctor came in and said the words no mother wants to hear; I was devastated and I was angry. I was angry with Mike….with god. Why why why?
At my sons service father Joe mentioned something that stuck with me. He said god doesn’t choose to take children from their parents; he doesn’t allow bad people to hurt innocent ones. He is there for them after; when they cross over and he fills them with love and protects them. At that moment my faith grew back. It made more sense. If there was a god; why would he allow this to happen to me? To any mother? That being said; my faith is growing . I am trying to make my own understanding because if I don’t have faith; I will not make it through this. I have decided we will start going to church more. We need it; I need to have a relationship with the person who is now looking over my baby. I don’t even know what that means but I hope to find it. I’ll do anything. My husband said yesterday that he believes Jonny is in a better place; he is ok but we are not. We miss him….we want him here with us….we have dreams for him. I don’t know what your faith is or maybe you have never experienced anything that has forced you to need it. All I know is I can’t live like this forever so I have to find my own.